So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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