woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
