i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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