Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize