My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
