Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
