when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
