I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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