dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
