I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
