I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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