CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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