I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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