Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
