He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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