I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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