Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
