Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
