I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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