i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
