Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
