he was CRYING into my vagina
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
