he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
