Can i not drive my cunt home
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
