I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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