i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
