I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
