How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
