thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
