upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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