Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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