I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
