i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
