maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
