I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
