One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
