my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
