then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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