In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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