I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you traded sex for a burrito?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize