she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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