You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
