we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize