I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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