I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You left your phone here
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