Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
