i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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