Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
