Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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