update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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