Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
