I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
