When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize