My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
