My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
