You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
