We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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