Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
