Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
