Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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