Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
