How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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