On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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