just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
