dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
