I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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